A LITIGATED LOVE

A LITIGATED LOVE

“Come in, please.”

Andy timidly walked into an office on whose door was an inscription Kepha & Co. Advocates. He stumbled before finding a leather-skinned bench to clutch at.

At the reception desk was a slender lady.  He offered her a smile and in return got a suggestive look and a sweet voice. The two engaged each other in a short conversation before he was offered a seat. While the secretary was enjoying the banter and offering a smile per second, Andy was struggling to keep the conversation going. He had much more taxing matters. A female trainee at the firm, stationed in an adjacent room, strained to catch a few words.

“I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it.”

“Don’t worry I was just joking. I was born an outgoing girl.”

A minute later, a client came out of the advocate’s office. Andy was the next interviewee. He did not have a second to waste, “There is a crisis in my heart, sir.”

“What do you mean?” Kepha asked.

“It hurts to imagine that I’ll spend the rest of my life without the woman I love.”

“Strange. Lawyers are not supposed to come between a boy and a girl.”

“Just do something, please. Her name is Irene. We fell in love after our first meeting. She was keener on our wedding day than she was on when I’ll take my next meal and when she detected lethargy on my part, the scavengers flew away with her.””

“As a man you need a shock absorber when handling ladies, not sympathy or government intervention. How do you want Kepha and Co. Adovactes to help you?”

“I want Irene arrested.”

“We don’t do that here. And by the way, you want her arrested for what offence?”

“Misuse of a man’s love. I want her arrested in my heart. Find her guilty and then imprison her in my house. Hand her a life sentence.”

“This is interesting.”

“I have loved for long and I have to continue loving. Please, use the law to bring back my girlfriend.”

“It is true that one can make an application to court seeking restoration of conjugal rights, but that is reserved only to married couples.”

“No!” Andy interjected. “Can’t the court order her to live with her boyfriend, the future father of her children?”

“Entrenched in our Constitution is marriage based on free consent of both parties. The court cannot force such a union. If we proceed to make an application, I am sure the court will not hesitate to strike it out as frivolous. May be your area chief…”

“No. It’s you to help me.”

 “Ok. Though quite strange, I will handle it nonetheless. But how will we let her know that she has a case to answer when she neither picks your calls nor responds to messages?”

“We can publish the summon in the Sweet Love magazine or append it next to Dr Love’s columns. She never misses to read those pieces. A love story a day completes her diet.”

The following day, Kepha called the parties to a reconciliation meeting. Though Kepha informed them that it was not a formal legal environment, Andy disputed his advice. He quoted the Law of Romance Act, a piece of legislation he created in his imagination. Section 4 of the Act stated ‘it amounts to a breach of the law of romance if a man discloses his salary in front of ladies’. Section 10 provided that ‘true love waits but it should not wait for more than a month.’ It was resolved that the peace of the ‘statute’ would not be disturbed. Thus, Andy’s economic strength would not be subjected to scrutiny. He was happy with the outcome of the preliminary negotiations. The main case, however, would not be a smooth ride.    

“…yes I did. I bought you flowers, jewelry and even the type of the pair of shoes you saw June in. I took you out for a drink and safely brought you back for a sip. Irene, you are to me what darkness is to night.”

“I needed more than that. Flowers wither, drinks dry up in my chest and dresses are overgrown, but love – the joy of sharing a world together– that basic need of my heart, you did not provide it, Mister. You told me you’ve always yearned for a playful woman and there you had an angel to tease. You were very keen on getting a fashion-conscious lady and yes, I always dressed to the standard. All my clothes fitted me well. The word ‘fitted’ is underlined…tell me, Sir, what did I get in return? In spite of all these you shamelessly decided to widen your scope.”

“Honey, it’s not always easy for a man to completely defeat adultery but I did. The case you mentioned was of a mistaken identity. I got a wrong text and the sender retracted the content in your presence. Adhiambo’s case was a stupid attempt to get me back to her. She was my lover when I was still a teenager. We broke up a decade ago and I left her alone, just like the Holy Spirit leaves an evil mind.

“Ann has never meant good for us. She has been pulling out all the stops to bring our love down. Don’t you remember when she asked you to go say hi to her brother? And what if I tell you that I had earlier dismissed her pass? The drama you saw was stage-managed.

“The name ‘Aswito’ you saw on my phone book isn’t one of my contacts. She is Simiyu’s girlfriend. He had been using my phone after he lost his in an incident you directly witnessed.  I believe God knows my story.”

“You did not take our relationship seriously. You were only after satiating your loins! Why do you plan our dates and not wedding? You never talk about marriage and always tactfully divert any topic related to marriage…and before I forget, how did you introduce me to your mum? And why did you compare my chest to Nicki Minaj’s? Forget it. Perhaps you can exploit other options like getting yourself another woman or marrying the church like Jesus did.”

“Come on darling. Being next to your lover without touching her hair is like having a picture of Rihana on the wall. I always get an irresistible temptation to play with your umbilicus.

“I have never talked about marriage not because I am not for it but because I felt you were still not ready yet. Unlike Ngugi wa Thiong’o who said he would marry when he wanted, I promise you that I will marry when you want.

“The Nicki Minaj’s case was an isolated matter. It was purely a question of morality. What I pointed out to Simiyu was that Nicki exposing her body to the whole world is indecent especially when viewed against your just selfishness.

“I love you so much, Irene. I have never slept since you left. I spend my nights watching your figure on the ceiling board.  Irene, God had done His part by introducing us to each other, let’s complete the deal. I am ready to take you away from any man except Jesus.”

Irene offered a smile – two skins of her mouth drifting apart to expose a well-trimmed set of white teeth.  

JIM ASUDI

Making good use of the alphabet